Chay's Heart to Heart: Teaching with Love

A few times over this vocational weekend, people have mentioned that we should think about what we envision our grave to say; what would we want to leave as our legacy on earth, essentially. One person phrased it, “what would you want others to say about you?”

After hearing a talk on God’s love, and reflecting on the way that I relate to people and how I respond to their opinions of me, I decided first that I would want to remove myself from that tangled mess of depending on others to define me.

Therefore, my grave would not say something that others would say, but what I would say. And I wouldn’t talk about the actions that I’ve completed or even the smiles I gave, because though I had a choice in those moments, they are gone.

I want to say something that lasts.

Though I want to be able to say some of my moments were entirely noble, or incredibly insightful, or wholly compassionate.. I realized the third thing: I am not whole in and of myself. Others do not define me, but neither do I define myself.

What, then, defines me? And thus what shall I say about the legacy I aspire to leave behind?

To use the kindergarten answer: God.

And to use the elementary school answer, this means to love.

And to use my high school answer, it means to be kind and compassionate.

And to use my college answer, love requires action.

And now, as a post college vague cloud of service person, I am realizing how painful and how beautiful that love can be. How uncomfortable it is. And how hard it is to love. How being a loving person means to sacrifice, to deny yourself, to be vulnerable and weak and lost sometimes. And how my actions sometimes do not prioritize love for myself or for others to come first.

I strongly believe that the basis of anyone’s life is centered around one’s priorities. Whatever you choose to make the most meaningful in your life will define how you perceive that life.

And so, instead of focusing on what my life has been, or what I had accomplished, or what I did or gave to the world, I’d want my grave to focus as I have: straight ahead, on whatever is in front of me. It is something I will continue to work on, and what I suppose qualifies how I want to be remembered.

If anyone remembers me as I am, I want them to understand that I want to be remembered for my goal, for my focus - my intent. My life was about gravitating towards love and understanding and knowing that in my heart, I draw closer to every action and moment, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, to be an act of love.

“I must love first.”

it went better than expected. also, it was longer than i expected. :) yay! definitely need to improve over the next few days but it is gonna work out I think. all of the despair of last week is finally ebbing away.

De La Salle, I hope I’m doing what’s best for you right now… it’s not the best but it’s what I can do this year. I would plan a worldwide-worthy concert if I had the means for it.

I love this school so dang much.

i am not particularly fond of small talk.

generally, asking the kids “how was your weekend” sends a twitch through my system, since I don’t want to sound insincere or trite.. but when I feel that they need someone to talk to, the trite things exist to break into that conversational mode.

anyways, today i got the best response for the mundane question of “how was your weekend”.

at first, I thought he didn’t hear me. he was looking about blearily as though he was still half-asleep, standing at his full height, a tall 8th grader.

I called his name to ask if he’d heard me and suddenly, it was though someone had flipped a switch in his brain.

“My weekend.. was the BEST ever!”

“Oh?” I responded. “How so?”

He proceeded to explain, in his characteristically short, divided sentence structure that his dad found out this weekend that one of his friends from when they still lived in Mexico was living out here, and they hadn’t seen each other in 25 years. They spent the weekend together, talking and eating.

“Seeing my dad.. he was laughing and.. having such a good time.. man. It was the best weekend.”

It made me really happy to know that, even as they’re about to go through puberty and high school and all that ridiculous self-centeredness our teenage society gets into.. that the happiness of one kid still hinges on his parents being happy.

I feel as though we get spurts of it as kids, but I think now that I’m old enough and far away from my parents, it’s much easier to see and appreciate their joy from my perspective as a young adult. Their happiness is much more fulfilling, it seems, because my parents gave so much to be here and to start their family in the U.S. I think that my student, whose family recently immigrated from Mexico, must have a similar feeling.

Sacrifice is the ultimate sign of love, and to reap the benefits of that love is truly the makings of “the best” of anything. 

one of my 3rd grade students came in today after being in trouble for the better part of this week.

i decided to sit and talk to him. to try to understand why he was being the way he was. i wish i could do that with so many things in my life. so many people. ask them or to get just a glimpse of why they are the way they are. it helps me deal with people so much better.

anyways.

this little boy, 8 years old, has always had this bravado.. but only to seek the approval of those around him whom he admires. most of the time that meant being a “bad boy”. and of course, bad boys don’t do their homework.

our conversation was twisted and painful at times. but i know i reached just a little part of him because at one point he turned around in his chair, facing away from me, though i could see his reflection in the computers surrounding us.. i didn’t need them to know he was crying. he said no one liked him. that no one listened to him. and that was the basis for all of his behavior.

his solution? the solution too many young kids figure is easiest: death. 

when i was in school, from jr. high through college, i dealt with different forms of friends and acquaintances even who turned to me thinking that they wanted to end their lives.

listening is most of the remedy, but it isn’t the solution by any means. i knew it would be useless to tell him i cared flat out. i know my 3rd graders too well to be foolish enough to think that they believe straight out declarations of truth. especially from adults who kept them from having free time during computer class.

i listened. i asked him questions, hoping someone in his life had shown him love.. apparently not. i changed course and told him the story of the hunger games. and tried my best to focus on katniss’ determination instead of the dying and killing.

at the end, i told him to look at me and listen very carefully. this boy wavered between having a crush on me and hating me for punishing him on a daily basis. but today his eyes locked to mine without false affection or idle dissent, but instead almost a flicker of hope.

i told him whenever he needed someone to talk to, whenever he felt like doing something, that he could come and talk to me. no matter when, no matter why.

i wish i could give him something more, something better than dying, something better than living the way he lives now.

all i could give was my time and my heart to be broken with his. and i guess for now that has to be enough.

One of the more feisty 4th grade girls, whose moods dictate her attitude and participation in my class, has built quite a sweet affection for me, and I figured it was just something kids do sometimes when they feel comfortable.

Yesterday, she told me this:
“Ms. Tanchanco, you are one of my favorite teachers, do you know why?

You actually care about my feelings.”

I had realized that may be part of why she likes me so much.. But to hear her say that made me so amazed that my actions have entered her perception and awareness.

This and the beginning of Lent has driven me to finally come back to this blog and remember to regularly, especially for short simple moments like this, that my work is the most important through the relationships and the compassion I build. :)

I’m back!

random things flying through my mind at the moment:

* yesterday, a girl ((lady? woman? how old do we have to be before we start calling our peers by woman? haha WHATEVZ)) who i’ve met a few times but whose name always escapes me so we keep introducing ourselves again, told me that i’m really pretty and i have a ‘really nice bone structure’. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten that compliment.. i always thought my cheeks were too big to notice my bones. HOWEVER. i am also way thinner than i’ve ever been in my whole life.. hmmmm

* CHRISTMAS PROGRAM IS TONIGHT OH MY GOODNESS. AND I AM VERY very hopeful. :) also i cannot wait for it to be over hahahahahh but in the best way possible.

* there are SO many things I want to do for this school. kids keep asking me if they can do dances and solos at the concert, and this time of course i have to tell them no, but for spring?? damn. I’ll plan a more extravagant concert for sure.

* as much as i dislike wearing heels, these boots are quite amazing.

* I’M GOING HOME IN 2 DAYS. i’m going home in 2 days. I’M GOING HOME IN 2 DAYS. whyyyy is this not real to me yet!??!

* iiii lovee De La Salle.

* today, one of my eighth grade girls told me her boyfriend drama. it was amusing as heck, but thankfully she is practical and real about her expectations of boys at her age, albeit she is still passive aggressive. but that can get worked out hahah i love hearing them talk to me like that.

* ahhhhhhhhhhhh tomorrow is a half day and I will have completed one whole semester of volunteerdom wooooooooooo